What People Say is More About THEM than About YOU

Lessons from Leadership, Parenthood, and Real World Emotional Intelligence

One of the biggest truths I’ve learned — through the good chapters and the tough ones — is this:

What people say is almost always more about them than it is about you.

Growing up on a farm in Eastern Colorado, I didn’t have a lot of exposure to emotional “reactions.” Life was straightforward: chores, responsibility, grit, and doing what needed to be done. People didn’t overanalyze every word or tone — you just kept moving.

But once I stepped off the farm and into the real world, especially as a young woman in manufacturing, I learned quickly that not everyone communicates from that same grounded simplicity.

And that’s where the real lessons began.

From Farm Fields to Factory Floors

Starting my career in manufacturing as a young woman hit me like cold water.

Suddenly, every comment, every tone, every sideways glance carried weight.

People reacted.

People responded.

People interpreted my words — and I had to interpret theirs.

I quickly learned that every reaction had a story behind it:

• Some came from insecurity

• Some from experience

• Some from bias

• Some from stress

• Some from values that didn’t match mine

None of it had anything to do with the little farm girl who just wanted to do a good job.

But those early years taught me something essential:

People don’t hear your words — they hear through their filters.

And that truth shaped my entire leadership journey.

Growing into Leadership: Clarity or Chaos

As I moved into bigger roles — managing teams, influencing operations, leading people through change — communication became everything.

In leadership, reacting is the shortcut to chaos. Responding is the doorway to clarity.

I had to learn to slow down the moment between stimulus and action:

• Pause.

• Assess.

• Choose my response instead of letting my emotions choose it for me.

And I learned that the way people reacted to me was rarely about what I actually said. It was about their past, their stress, their beliefs, their expectations.

Understanding that made me a better leader.

A better communicator.

A better human.

Then I Became a Mom

Nothing tests your emotional intelligence like parenting two boys turning into young men in a world that feels heavier and more complicated than ever.

Teenagers don’t always come with neat explanations. Sometimes they react out of nowhere — frustration, silence, sarcasm, overwhelm.

But I’ve learned to look underneath the reaction and ask:

“What’s really bothering you?”

Their words may be sharp or confusing on the surface, but just like the adults I coach, their reactions are usually tied to something deeper:

• Stress

• Social pressure

• Fatigue

• Not feeling understood

• Wanting independence

• Needing reassurance

And that curiosity — that willingness to understand the filter behind their reaction — has changed the way I parent.

And Then There’s My Husband

Being married to a firefighter for almost two decades has been one of my greatest teachers.

He walks into trauma, chaos, and high-stress situations for a living.

And he has mastered the ability to stay objective, calm, and grounded.

Where most people would react, he asks questions.

Where most people would assume, he seeks clarity.

Where most people would defend, he observes.

I owe much of my emotional intelligence to watching him operate in the hardest moments — moments where reacting could cost someone their life, and responding with clarity is the only path to a better outcome.

Reaction vs. Response: The Gap That Changes Everything

Here’s the difference I’ve learned across every chapter of my life:

Reacting is instinct.

Responding is wisdom.

Reactions are emotional.

Responses are intentional.

Reactions come from fear.

Responses come from clarity.

And emotional intelligence is the skill that creates the space between the two.

It’s the moment where you ask:

“Is this actually about me… or about them?”

And most of the time, the answer is crystal clear:

It’s about them.

Their filter.

Their history.

Their stress.

Their meaning-making system.

So What Do We Do With This? Ask Questions.

When someone reacts, the temptation is to react back.

But that only escalates things.

Instead, I’ve learned to ask:

• “What did you hear me say?”

• “What’s behind that for you?”

• “Help me understand your perspective.”

• “What’s the real issue underneath this?”

• “What matters most to you right now?”

Questions shift people out of emotional reactivity and into clarity.

Questions show respect.

Questions build trust.

Questions reveal the filter.

Questions give people the chance to respond instead of defend.

And in every part of my life — from the farm, to the factory, to the boardroom, to my kitchen table — questions have been the bridge to understanding.

The Bottom Line

People speak from their filter — not your truth.

Your power is in recognizing the difference.

Your strength is in choosing your response.

Your leadership is in the questions you ask.

Your peace comes from knowing that not everything said to you is actually about you.

And the more we understand that, the more gracefully we navigate the world.